Post by jaglady on Apr 11, 2009 6:53:20 GMT -5
Disclaimer: I do not own any of CSI Miami's characters or intellectual property. Neither do I own anything from Saturday Night Live.
A/N: Got this idea after watching some old Saturday Night Live clips on YouTube. Contains some spoilers for "Kill Switch." Stories like this are just my way of blowing off steam when my quiet, orderly world just seems to go nuts. Enjoy!
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It’s Always Something!
Pairings: Ryan/Roseanne Rosannadanna
Rating: G
Contains spoilers for "Kill Switch". Ryan Wolfe is all set to help Miami catch another bad guy. Erica Sykes is on temporary assignment, but no worries. Roseanne Rosannadanna is here to help!
“And you’re on the air in three. Two. One.”
Ryan sat straight up in the plush chair as he faced the camera and the light, just like he had so many times before. But with his peripheral vision he couldn’t help but notice the woman who sat next to him. She wore barrettes in her black hair that stuck out on either side. That flowery blouse looked something like what Delko used to wear in the lab. She chewed gum loudly and obnoxiously as she scratched her scalp. And her face scrunched.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and now it’s time for our WETS Crimewatch segment” the narrator said. “Joining us is former criminalist Ryan Wolfe. Erica Sykes is on temporary assignment, but filling for her is noted CVS commentator and journalist, Roseanne Rosannadanna.”
Ryan had seen it all on patrol and in the Miami-Dade Crime Lab. Now he tried hard not to stare at his frizzy-haired partner as she scrunched her face and slapped the chair.
“Thank you! Thanks guys! Well hey, it’s an honor, a pleasure, an up, and a real snappy surprise to be here, with CVS Crimewatch and former criminalist Ryan Wolfe.” She pointed at Ryan with her thumb. “Isn’t he cute, girls?”
Ryan smiled at the whoops and catcalls in the audience.
“Well, hey, it’s a real honor for me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, to be sitting here next to a real live Miami-Dade criminalist!”
“Former criminalist” he said dryly.
Roseanne glanced at him. “Right! And when the studio called me at five-thirty this morning--thanks a lot, guys!” She then faced the camera again. “I figure there’s no better honor than to come in and help Miami-Dade Police catch those bad guys, especially sittin’ next to this one, and between you and me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, Erica Sykes isn’t just on temporary assignment. They didn’t want to tell you, but I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, happen to know that she’s sick as a dog!” She leaned toward the camera and chewed her gum again. “See, Erica wants you to think she’s at some hooty-faluti spa here in Miami getting her nails done, getting her hair all poofed up like me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, but she actually had a boil that had to be lanced.” She held her fingers together and sneered. “It was one of them round ones, ya know, that was hard like a rock, and it was right there on her leg! And you know, even though she went to the doctor and they drained it, but it might run all over the floor, and we don’t need you throwin’ up during the broadcast.”
Ryan glared at her.
Roseanne slapped the chair. “So! She’s just as good as not here. Now I look out at the studio audience here, and as I look at Ryan Wolfe with his sweet young criminalistic face and his stupid-looking purple tie, I can’t help but know what you’re thinking!”
Ryan put up his finger. “Uh….”
Roseanne continued. “You’re probably thinking, ‘Hey! This sweet young face here used to be a criminalist, and now he wants to be a hot-shot journalist just like me, Roseanne Rodannadanna!” She pointed to him with her thumb. “And I bet he’s thinking, ‘Well, I’ve never done this journalistic stuff before. Is it like forensics? Do I need my own recorder? And if I don’t bring my own recorder I might get fired again. If I get fired again I can’t pay for my fancy-schmancy South Beach condo and I’ll starve! What should I do?’”
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. “Roseanne?”
She never looked at him. “Well, Ryan? I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, know just what you’re going through, even though for a guy who makes his living out of finding out the truth, you sure do ask a lot of dumb questions!”
Ryan huffed and put his hand on his leg. He glanced around the studio in disbelief.
“See, when I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, was just fresh out of journalistic school, I was young and idealistic and looking for a job in journalism. And I was real nervous! I filled out applications. I went on interviews. And I was told the same thing again and again—‘You’re overqualified! You’re underqualified! It’s a jungle out there! Don’t call us, we’ll call you! Go home, have a nice day, drop dead!’”
Ryan cleared his throat. “Roseanne?” he began.
“Now I’m sure that when young, idealistic little Ryan Wolfe decided he wanted to go into Forensics, he probably had the same thing happen. He was that new, young hot shot that went into the boss’s office.” She turned to him. “Hey Ryan! What was your boss’s name, anyway?”
“Horatio Caine” he grumbled.
“Ryan here, probably went into Mister Hot Shot Forensics Horatio Caine’s office, where he was eating his lunch.” She scrunched her face. “And I betcha Mister Hot Shot Forensics Boss, Horatio, eats what all those guys eat, ya know, those bologna sandwiches with the white dots in ‘em, and the butter, with the wilted lettuce that’s all wilted from being in the sandwich too long.” She smirked. “What are those white dots? Is that cheese? I thought it was those Q-Tips Ryan used to stick in somebody’s mouth! And here comes Mister Hot Shot Ryan himself, with that stupid purple tie. He sits down in Mister Hot Shot Horatio’s office and probably turns on the old Ryan Wolfe charm. And I just bet that when he leaned forward, his chair made a PFFFFFT sound. And how much you wanna bet, Horatio the Hotshot Forensics Guy, started lighting matches and saying ‘Hey! Did that come outta you?’”
Ryan closed his eyes and tightened his lips. He could feel his blood pressure rising. “It wasn’t quite like—“
“Anyway, old Ryan here didn’t give up. So finally, he comes over to CVS, and he learned something because he knows to sit perfectly still in the chair, so the boss didn’t think he cut the cheese. So now he’s sitting here with me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, and talk about forensic stuff. But it just goes to show ya, it’s always something. If the boss doesn’t think ya cut the cheese in his office, Erica’s out with a boil on her leg the size of one of her boobies.”
He huffed. “Roseanne?” he said more forcefully.
“And hey, uh, Ryan? Got a question for you and your stupid purple tie. This is just between you and me, Roseanne Rosannadanna.”
Ryan now leaned his face on his hand as Roseanne leaned close to him. “Are both of her boobies the same size?”
He opened his fists and held his head up. “What the hell do you think, Roseanne?” he exploded. The woman shrank back. But she never missed a beat.
“Oh well, that just goes to show ya, it’s always something. But don’t worry, it just reminds me of a song that my daddy used to sing to me when he put me to bed, every night, just as snug as a bug in a rug, when he used to put the powder under my armpits and brush my hair out of my face and he’d put the blankets up around my chin!” She held her fingers together and squinted. “It’s a little song he learned from his mama, Nanna Rosannadanna.” She leaned forward while Ryan buried his face and shook his head.
“Should all acquaintance be forgot
I hope you hear my plea!
Roseanne, my dear, you’ll get a job
If you listen to me!
Just sit quite still and don’t you move
During your interview,
Cuz if you move, your boss will think
The fart came out of you!”
Ryan hung his head.
“Well hey, that’s it! We’re all out of time!" she screeched. "Thanks a lot!” With that she pulled the gum out of her mouth and stuck it on the chair. “See ya next time on CVS Crimewatch! Thank you!”
END
A/N: Got this idea after watching some old Saturday Night Live clips on YouTube. Contains some spoilers for "Kill Switch." Stories like this are just my way of blowing off steam when my quiet, orderly world just seems to go nuts. Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s Always Something!
Pairings: Ryan/Roseanne Rosannadanna
Rating: G
Contains spoilers for "Kill Switch". Ryan Wolfe is all set to help Miami catch another bad guy. Erica Sykes is on temporary assignment, but no worries. Roseanne Rosannadanna is here to help!
“And you’re on the air in three. Two. One.”
Ryan sat straight up in the plush chair as he faced the camera and the light, just like he had so many times before. But with his peripheral vision he couldn’t help but notice the woman who sat next to him. She wore barrettes in her black hair that stuck out on either side. That flowery blouse looked something like what Delko used to wear in the lab. She chewed gum loudly and obnoxiously as she scratched her scalp. And her face scrunched.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and now it’s time for our WETS Crimewatch segment” the narrator said. “Joining us is former criminalist Ryan Wolfe. Erica Sykes is on temporary assignment, but filling for her is noted CVS commentator and journalist, Roseanne Rosannadanna.”
Ryan had seen it all on patrol and in the Miami-Dade Crime Lab. Now he tried hard not to stare at his frizzy-haired partner as she scrunched her face and slapped the chair.
“Thank you! Thanks guys! Well hey, it’s an honor, a pleasure, an up, and a real snappy surprise to be here, with CVS Crimewatch and former criminalist Ryan Wolfe.” She pointed at Ryan with her thumb. “Isn’t he cute, girls?”
Ryan smiled at the whoops and catcalls in the audience.
“Well, hey, it’s a real honor for me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, to be sitting here next to a real live Miami-Dade criminalist!”
“Former criminalist” he said dryly.
Roseanne glanced at him. “Right! And when the studio called me at five-thirty this morning--thanks a lot, guys!” She then faced the camera again. “I figure there’s no better honor than to come in and help Miami-Dade Police catch those bad guys, especially sittin’ next to this one, and between you and me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, Erica Sykes isn’t just on temporary assignment. They didn’t want to tell you, but I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, happen to know that she’s sick as a dog!” She leaned toward the camera and chewed her gum again. “See, Erica wants you to think she’s at some hooty-faluti spa here in Miami getting her nails done, getting her hair all poofed up like me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, but she actually had a boil that had to be lanced.” She held her fingers together and sneered. “It was one of them round ones, ya know, that was hard like a rock, and it was right there on her leg! And you know, even though she went to the doctor and they drained it, but it might run all over the floor, and we don’t need you throwin’ up during the broadcast.”
Ryan glared at her.
Roseanne slapped the chair. “So! She’s just as good as not here. Now I look out at the studio audience here, and as I look at Ryan Wolfe with his sweet young criminalistic face and his stupid-looking purple tie, I can’t help but know what you’re thinking!”
Ryan put up his finger. “Uh….”
Roseanne continued. “You’re probably thinking, ‘Hey! This sweet young face here used to be a criminalist, and now he wants to be a hot-shot journalist just like me, Roseanne Rodannadanna!” She pointed to him with her thumb. “And I bet he’s thinking, ‘Well, I’ve never done this journalistic stuff before. Is it like forensics? Do I need my own recorder? And if I don’t bring my own recorder I might get fired again. If I get fired again I can’t pay for my fancy-schmancy South Beach condo and I’ll starve! What should I do?’”
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. “Roseanne?”
She never looked at him. “Well, Ryan? I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, know just what you’re going through, even though for a guy who makes his living out of finding out the truth, you sure do ask a lot of dumb questions!”
Ryan huffed and put his hand on his leg. He glanced around the studio in disbelief.
“See, when I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, was just fresh out of journalistic school, I was young and idealistic and looking for a job in journalism. And I was real nervous! I filled out applications. I went on interviews. And I was told the same thing again and again—‘You’re overqualified! You’re underqualified! It’s a jungle out there! Don’t call us, we’ll call you! Go home, have a nice day, drop dead!’”
Ryan cleared his throat. “Roseanne?” he began.
“Now I’m sure that when young, idealistic little Ryan Wolfe decided he wanted to go into Forensics, he probably had the same thing happen. He was that new, young hot shot that went into the boss’s office.” She turned to him. “Hey Ryan! What was your boss’s name, anyway?”
“Horatio Caine” he grumbled.
“Ryan here, probably went into Mister Hot Shot Forensics Horatio Caine’s office, where he was eating his lunch.” She scrunched her face. “And I betcha Mister Hot Shot Forensics Boss, Horatio, eats what all those guys eat, ya know, those bologna sandwiches with the white dots in ‘em, and the butter, with the wilted lettuce that’s all wilted from being in the sandwich too long.” She smirked. “What are those white dots? Is that cheese? I thought it was those Q-Tips Ryan used to stick in somebody’s mouth! And here comes Mister Hot Shot Ryan himself, with that stupid purple tie. He sits down in Mister Hot Shot Horatio’s office and probably turns on the old Ryan Wolfe charm. And I just bet that when he leaned forward, his chair made a PFFFFFT sound. And how much you wanna bet, Horatio the Hotshot Forensics Guy, started lighting matches and saying ‘Hey! Did that come outta you?’”
Ryan closed his eyes and tightened his lips. He could feel his blood pressure rising. “It wasn’t quite like—“
“Anyway, old Ryan here didn’t give up. So finally, he comes over to CVS, and he learned something because he knows to sit perfectly still in the chair, so the boss didn’t think he cut the cheese. So now he’s sitting here with me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, and talk about forensic stuff. But it just goes to show ya, it’s always something. If the boss doesn’t think ya cut the cheese in his office, Erica’s out with a boil on her leg the size of one of her boobies.”
He huffed. “Roseanne?” he said more forcefully.
“And hey, uh, Ryan? Got a question for you and your stupid purple tie. This is just between you and me, Roseanne Rosannadanna.”
Ryan now leaned his face on his hand as Roseanne leaned close to him. “Are both of her boobies the same size?”
He opened his fists and held his head up. “What the hell do you think, Roseanne?” he exploded. The woman shrank back. But she never missed a beat.
“Oh well, that just goes to show ya, it’s always something. But don’t worry, it just reminds me of a song that my daddy used to sing to me when he put me to bed, every night, just as snug as a bug in a rug, when he used to put the powder under my armpits and brush my hair out of my face and he’d put the blankets up around my chin!” She held her fingers together and squinted. “It’s a little song he learned from his mama, Nanna Rosannadanna.” She leaned forward while Ryan buried his face and shook his head.
“Should all acquaintance be forgot
I hope you hear my plea!
Roseanne, my dear, you’ll get a job
If you listen to me!
Just sit quite still and don’t you move
During your interview,
Cuz if you move, your boss will think
The fart came out of you!”
Ryan hung his head.
“Well hey, that’s it! We’re all out of time!" she screeched. "Thanks a lot!” With that she pulled the gum out of her mouth and stuck it on the chair. “See ya next time on CVS Crimewatch! Thank you!”
END
This was great jaglady!!!!!! I could sooo picture Ryan just sitting there XD
