CBS found a replacement for WAT!

[mirium]

This was forwarded to me. It's from the Borowitz Report.


----- Original Message ----- From: "borowitzreport.com" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Gitmo Detainee Problem? Solved

May 21, 2009

Gitmo Detainees Transferred to ‘Big Brother'

Jihadists Score Slot on Network's Fall Sked

In what is being called a historic deal between the United States government and a major broadcast network, prisoners at the detention camp in Guantanamo were transferred today to the CBS reality series "Big Brother."
The history-making arrangement drew praise from Senate Democrats, who had earlier blocked the closing of the detention camp, and from CBS executives, who had been desperately searching for something to spice up their fall schedule.
"We wanted to be sure that these terror suspects were someplace where they could be constantly monitored," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "And we could think of no better place than the Big Brother' house, which has a camera in every room."
Moments after the deal was struck, terror suspects from Gitmo were flown to Manhattan so they could take part in CBS' splashy "upfront" presentation for advertisers at Radio City Music Hall.
In welcoming the terror suspects to the CBS family, network boss Les Moonves brushed aside criticism that he was harboring jihadists: "Only one out of seven of them are."
For his part, Sen. Reid said that the Senate Democrats accepted CBS' offer for the detainees after turning down a competing bid from NBC, who had hoped to build a sitcom around them in the style of "The Office."
"There were too many security concerns about putting them on NBC," Sen. Reid said. "Nobody would be watching them."

[luf100]

Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute... am I confused or do I get it? Some prisoners from Guantanamo are going to be the housemates on Big Brother this summer? Because they're constantly monitored on the show? ... What the hell!

I love that freaking show! It'd better be interesting this summer!

[mirium]

Here are some other Borowitz reports my friend forwarded to me recently:

May 5, 2009

CNN Warns Swine Flu Could Continue Through Sweeps

Scary Reporting Spreads to MSNBC

CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period.
CNN said that its early reporting of the swine flu story had been contained to one or two hours a day but had recently increased to all twenty-four hours.
"This is an alarming spread in the reporting of this story," said Carol Foyler, a CNN spokesperson. "We have seen swine flu spread from primetime to all the other day parts."
Ms. Foyler said that in recent days CNN had identified several cases of "increasingly scary graphics and fonts" about swine flu during its news programs.
"These scary graphics are popping up everywhere in greater and greater numbers," she said. "These are signs that the swine flu coverage is growing more intense and virulent."
The CNN spokesperson said that news host Lou Dobbs had even taken time out from fear-mongering about immigration to fear-monger about swine flu: "This is an unprecedented development."
Even as CNN reported that its broadcasting of the swine flu story was on the rise, there was evidence that intense cases of swine flu reporting had spread from CNN to MSNBC.
"We have also seen several cases of panic-inducing graphics and terrifying fonts," said MSNBC spokesman Terry McTate. "I don't want to frighten people, but we haven't seen a story this scary since Y2K."

I especially liked the "terrifying fonts." And there was:

Subject: Obama Resignation Shocker


April 29, 2009

Obama Quits While Ahead

Prez Resigns After Hundred Days: ‘All Downhill From Here'

In a move that stunned both political allies and foes alike, President Barack Obama resigned today after serving 100 days in office, telling the White House press corps, "It's all downhill from here."
The reporters seemed stunned by the President's decision in light of the fawning media coverage he received during his first 100 days, but the hyperbolic nature of that reportage, ironically, may have been the prime motivator behind Mr. Obama's shocking move.
"Let's face it, I'm not going to get better coverage than I have to date," he said. "The only guy with a higher approval rating is that dude who landed the plane on the Hudson - or maybe that other dude who escaped from those pirates."
Mr. Obama may have a point, as current polls show that the only Americans with higher approval ratings are members of his immediate family.
According to the latest University of Minnesota/Opinion Research Institute survey, Mr. Obama's 67% approval rating is topped by First Lady Michelle Obama at 84%, with daughters Sasha and Malia and dog Bo tied at 98%.
Even the President's little-known half-brother George Obama, who resides in Nairobi, Kenya, garnered a 73% thumbs-up in the poll.
As the press corps reeled from the news of Mr. Obama's resignation, one White House source suggested that the First Lady may have been behind the decision: "Around Day 95 or so, Michelle was running out of wardrobe changes."
At the Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts said that he stood ready to swear in the nation's new chief executive, whom he called "President Biden R. Joseph."
Mr. Biden is scheduled to deliver his Inaugural address on Friday at noon and wrap it up sometime late Sunday.

She also sends me real news, and (unlike these two) more than once I've had to go back and check the source to see if what I'd just read was true.

[luf100]

Mirium! I'm worried! Was the first one you posted true or untrue? Please say untrue... of false if untrue isn't a word.

[mirium]

It's as accurate as the other two Borowitz reports I posted.

[luf100]

Thank God for that.

[mirium]

And the fact that you weren't sure is one of the reasons the Borowitz Report is so funny -- he does dance on the border of the ludicrously possible.