miamitravel
Academy Cadet
Now if only I can find Adam Rodriguez I would give up my husband!
Posts: 16
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Post by miamitravel on Jan 1, 2009 1:24:18 GMT -5
i am so glad that you brought these over to here....it really makes my day especially this last one...I actually had one the other day...my co-workers cursor kept moving and she had no idea why.....the IT techs decided to have some fun with her and she freaked out....she couldn't understand why everytime she moved it to where she wanted it, that the cursor would move to another spot....I almost fell out of my chair when I figured it out....
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Post by jaglady on Jan 1, 2009 11:49:33 GMT -5
Aw, well heck! You mean like THIS ONE?? -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out With A Bang
Rick Stetler tries to convince Julia Winston to trust him with her funds. But Horatio knows he can count on Emmie Stockburne's computer smarts and twisted sense of humor to make things right.
Horatio stepped into the Miami-Dade Computer Lab. Senior Computer Tech Emmie Stockburne was testing the AV equipment for one of Frank Tripp’s cases. She turned around, holding her headphone to one ear. “Morning, Sir.”
“Miss Stockburne. Need a favor that would require your particular expertise.”
“Sure. I’ll do what I can.”
“You know about Julia Winston, my ex-wife, right?”
Emmie shrugged. “I’ve heard of her.”
“Well, apparently she and Rick have become a hot item recently. Julia’s late husband left her very well off. So you can guess that Rick probably doesn’t love her for her charming personality.”
“Does that mean he’s finally gonna quit leering at me?”
“Tell you the truth, I’m more concerned about Kyle. But here’s what I need from you. Kyle tells me that his mother is all excited about Rick taking those computer classes. Now Rick is trying to convince her that he can handle all her finances. He and Julia will be in here this morning. Of course, Rick is going to expect you to give him unlimited free tech support when he downloads his new banking software.”
Emmie smirked. “Of course.”
Horatio hushed his voice. “See what you can do to help him, if you know what I mean.”
“By helping, you mean—“
“Exactly. I’d rather not see Kyle have to go through what Ray Jr. did.”
Emmie suddenly covered her mouth and laughed wickedly as she clicked the keyboard to tap into IAB’s controls. “Got just the thing, Sir. I once played this joke on a secret service agent who thought he knew computers inside out. I’m fixing Rick’s computer so the screensaver engages in two seconds if he doesn’t keep using it. I’ll tell him what to do, and then we can just sit back and watch the fireworks.”
The Lieutenant smiled. “Thanks, Emmie. I owe you one.”
An hour later, out of the corner of her eye, Emmie recognized IAB agent Rick Stetler proudly escorting Julia Winston into the computer lab.
“Emmie? I’m sure you know Julia” he said proudly. "Jules, meet Emmie Stockburne, our computer expert."
Emmie stood up and extended her hand graciously. “I do. Nice to meet you, Ma’am.”
“Emmie? Rick told me all about you” Julia said with a gracious smile, shaking hands.
Rick fingered his tie proudly. “Or, should I say, the future Julia Stetler?”
The computer tech raised her eyebrows. “Thank God for that, er, uh, I mean, congratulations to you.”
Rick smiled down to her. “Now Jules, I want you to wait here with Emmie while I download my banking software up in my office. I’ll call down here, and Emmie is gonna walk me through it. It’s very technical, and I don’t want to bore you. Now you two talk about whatever it is you women talk about. Excuse me.” He was about to leave as Emmie bolted up urgently behind him.
“Oh, wait, Sir. I forgot to mention something” she whispered, her eyes darting around. “I, uh, installed some new hardware in your console because the old motherboard fried out. This is a new high-tech one, but, well, it’s had a few problems. But don’t worry; it’s really simple. Every time your screen goes black, just bang your desk with your fist three times to restart your system, and everything will work fine. Got it?”
Rick raised one eyebrow at her. “Uh, yeah. Okay. Got it. Thanks. Why are we whispering?”
“Well, Julia trusts you, right? You don’t want her to think you don’t know what you’re doing.”
The IAB agent sniffed. “Of course not. I’ll call you, Emmie!” He kept his voice at a whisper. "By the way, uh, got any plans after work?"
The computer tech narrowed her eyes at him. "Just call me when you get upstairs, Sir."
After Rick left, Julia leaned in toward her. “Emmie, I’m trusting Rick with our finances. He keeps telling me how great he is with computers. Is that true?”
Emmie raised her eyebrows with a smile. “You’re about to find out, Ma’am.”
The lady looked at her and then glanced up at the ceiling warily. “Thanks.”
Emmie picked up the phone when it chirped. “Computer lab, Emmie-- Oh, hey, Sir. Hold on. Putting you on speaker now.” She punched some buttons and hung up the handset. “Hear me clearly, Sir?”
“Loud and clear. Watch an expert, Jules. I’m gonna take good care of you and Kyle.”
“Okay, Sir. Your screen is black right now. Remember what I said you had to do.”
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Julia stiffened up and glared at the speaker phone. “What are you doing, Rick?” she demanded.
BAM! BAM! BAM! “It’s okay, honey. Special technique. High-tech hardware. Trust me.” BAM! BAM! BAM! “Okay, Miss Stockburne. Got the CD’s ready.” BAM! BAM! BAM!
Emmie smiled. “You’re our new software expert, Sir.”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “Loading the software for you now, Jules!” BAM! BAM! BAM!
Julia furrowed her eyebrows and pointed at the speaker. “Emmie, does he always do things like this?” she whispered.
BAM! BAM! BAM! “Got the first CD downloaded, honey! Almost finished!” BAM! BAM! BAM!
Emmie was sure to hit the mute button before she shrugged and smiled. “Ma’am, why do you think I asked him to download it on his computer?”
“Still using your fists to solve your family issues, Rick?” she heard Horatio say over the speaker. “What are you doing?”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “New high-tech hardware, Horatio. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important business to deal with. Julia needs my help. I’m gonna be the husband she deserves.” BAM! BAM! BAM!
Julia bolted up angrily from the chair and glared at the ceiling. “Excuse me, Emmie!” With that she stormed out of the lab and hurried toward the elevator.
The computer tech leaned her face on her hand, her eyes transfixed on the speaker phone.
“Excuse me, Horatio. Rick, you idiot! What’s going on? You’re embarrassing me! You don’t really know what you’re doing, do you?”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “What are you talking about, Jules?” BAM! BAM! BAM!
“Get away from that computer! And you’re not touching that money!”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “Aw, wait a minute, honey! See? It’s working!” BAM! BAM! BAM!
“When you pound the table, you’re bumping the mouse so the screensaver goes away! Moron!”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “Come on, Jules! You didn’t mean it about the money, did you?”
“I’m hiring a finance attorney and doing a prenup! I’ll give you an allowance every week!”
BAM! BAM! BAM! “Wait a second, honey! I’ll fix it! I promise.” BAM! BAM! BAM!
Emmie had covered her face with a Kleenex to suppress her laughter. She turned around in time to see Horatio standing about three feet behind her, hands on hips, smiling, wearing his sunglasses. She handed him a wad of Kleenex. “Ah, the sounds of love. Here you go, Sir.”
“Thanks Miss Stockburne” he said, dabbing his eyes under his sunglasses.
She pointed to the noisy speaker phone. “Think you’ve heard enough drama for the day?”
He nodded, still smiling. “Go ahead and hang up on the lovebirds.”
“You lied to me, Rick! You don’t know that computer from your—“
Emmie lunged forward and slapped the button. The speaker phone went blissfully silent.
Horatio caught his breath. “Now I think I better take you to lunch somewhere before Rick figures it out. That one definitely deserves something.”
“Well, since you made the offer, Sir, I’m thinking that frozen yogurt place across the street sounds good.”
The Lieutenant wiped his eyes again. “Sounds good.” He then looked up and donned his sunglasses again. “This time, Rick Stetler didn’t win for love or money.”
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Post by suzmicsoc on Jan 1, 2009 14:17:31 GMT -5
That was hilarious...I loved it JL
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Post by jaglady on Jan 3, 2009 22:36:02 GMT -5
A/N: I'd like to thank everyone for your kind comments and reviews. In the IT field, "lap" is considered an acceptable abbreviation for "laptop"
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Sizeable Issues
Always choose your words carefully. And when Rick Stetler is giving a presentation, know where the mute button is.
“Here you go, Sir. I set up your desktop so you just have to click here on the Live Meeting icon. Then you dial in the number on your speaker phone and follow these instructions. Oh, and the mute button on your phone is right here.”
Horatio looked at her dryly. “Thank you, Miss Stockburne. By the way, how are you holding up in getting Rick Stetler all ready for his first big teleconference?”
Senior computer tech Emmie Stockburne smirked. “I’d like to thank you for all the overtime. Between Tallahassee sending us the wrong documents, readjusting the wireless router so it will reach the IAB office, and the usual stuff Rick seems to blow up, Tyler and I have our hands full. I don’t mind, but personally, I wish his first big teleconference was on a different subject.”
“Well, I know how you feel, but you know it's IAB’s responsibility to brief the entire department on the State’s new sexual harassment policy. By the way, why are you making sure I knew where the mute button is on my phone?”
Emmie sat down in her boss’s extra chair and sighed, shaking her head. “Well Sir, he asked me to sit with him and lend him tech support during the teleconference. Call it experience, but I know he’s gonna say or do something to screw it up, and I just want to be ready.”
“I know, Emmie. But you know Rick. He thinks because he took a couple of tech support classes, he can do your job now.”
“Sir, because he took a couple of tech support classes, I’m now doing more of my job.”
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Emmie arrived in the IAB office five minutes before the start of Rick’s teleconference carrying her portfolio and her tool case. Rick was sitting in his chair, obviously annoyed and stressed while poring over his notes. He looked up at her, his eyes blazing.
“You’re late, Miss Stockburne! What took you so long?” he snarled.
“Sorry Sir, Tallahassee just emailed me an update to your presentation. They're huge files, and I had to email them to you. Could you let me in there so I can add them to your laptop?”
Panic set in. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re looking at an outdated policy, Sir. They sent the right ones about two minutes ago, and I have to download them.” She stretched across his cluttered desk to his laptop and clicked the keyboard. “Hang on. I'll do this as fast as I can. The wireless is a little slow this morning.”
He bolted up and glared at her. “We start in one minute! How long is this gonna take?”
Emmie raised her eyebrows at the miffed IAB agent. “These are big files, and everybody's using their laps this morning, so the wireless is bogged down. Try to stall them or something.”
Rick huffed and slapped his notes on his desk. “This is my one chance to make a good impression, and what happens?”
Her ears perked up when she heard a voice over the conference speaker. Quickly she spun around and clicked the mute button in order to silence Rick’s stressful fit. Unaware, Rick continued his shouting tirade. She waved her arm and tried to get his attention.
“Uh, Sir?” Emmie raised her eyebrows as she pointed politely to the muted conference speaker.
Rick paid no attention as he paced angrily in his office, hands on hips. “Just do your job, Miss Stockburne! Haven’t you opened those files yet?”
…Sergeant Rick Stetler is going to brief the Miami-Dade Police Department on the latest round of changes to the Florida Sexual Harassment Code of Conduct….” a voice said officially.
“Sir?” Emmie warned more urgently.
Rick seemed oblivious to everything except his problem. “Come on! Open those files, Miss Stockburne! I know what I’m doing!” he insisted as he turned his back and glanced at the slow graphics. Finally she saw that the download had completed.
“Okay, Sir. Got ‘em. Hang on! Transferring them now.”
Rick seemed unaware of his cue as he huffed and stared at her while she frantically clicked the keyboard.
“Turning it over to you, Sergeant Stetler.”
Emmie shrugged and released the mute button. Ready or not, the Miami-Dade Police Department was listening for him, she thought. Finally at his breaking point, Rick stood inches behind her and held his hand up in the air.
“Come on, Miss Stockburne, open ‘em up for me! I need what you’re hiding in there!” he shouted.
There was a split second of silence before Emmie immediately burst into a shriek of laughter. She quickly covered her face and slapped the conference speaker’s mute button. It was too late, though.
“What the hell is so funny?” Rick’s eyes then widened when he noticed the squawking conference speaker. He froze and turned crimson-faced.
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Horatio motioned to his chair. “Sit down, Emmie” he said patiently.
The computer tech narrowed her eyes in disgust as she seated herself. “Thanks Sir.”
“Damage report?”
She looked up at him and sighed. “Three coffee-damaged monitors. Detective Berkeley’s laptop was broken beyond repair when he dropped his on the floor. Oh, and one very traumatized IAB agent.”
Horatio leaned back in his chair. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. He came in this morning and complained to me that you embarrassed him in front of the entire Miami-Dade Police Department when you laughed just before hitting the mute button on the speaker. And Rick, being Rick, insisted that something be done about it.”
Emmie narrowed her eyes. “What? Sir, I—“ she started to protest.
The Lieutenant put up his hand. “Look, Miss Stockburne, what happened in the teleconference Friday morning was nobody’s fault. And strictly off the record, even the Commissioner thought it was funny. Of course Rick could have been paying closer attention, but you know how he is. Nothing is ever his fault. You’re a department supervisor yourself, and you know politics. ”
“So what now, Sir?”
“We both agreed that if you email the department a formal apology, he’ll drop the subject. Just take a deep breath and do it. You’re a professional, and I’ll let you use your better judgment. Once you’ve done that, we’ll consider the matter over and done with. Fair?”
Emmie sighed deeply. “Yes Sir.”
Horatio smiled. “And thank you for showing everybody the mute button. It could have been a lot worse.”
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Emmie settled herself sullenly in the computer lab and brought up her email.
"Okay Sir. Here's your formal apology" she muttered, hitting the SEND button.
To Whom It May Concern:
Please accept my sincerest apologies for my unprofessional outburst during the course of Sergeant Stetler’s conference concerning Florida’s laws of sexual harassment. At the time this occurred, Sergeant Stetler had me on his lap and was trying to give me something bigger than my system was designed to handle. I assure you that this will not happen again.
Sincerely,
Emmalyn P Stockburne, Senior Cybertechnician, Miami-Dade Crime Lab
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ladytaz29
Rookie Officer
Caution..Must wear flame retardent materials..
Posts: 377
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Post by ladytaz29 on Jan 4, 2009 16:20:54 GMT -5
Gotta love Emmie... ;D
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Post by jaglady on Jan 4, 2009 20:50:48 GMT -5
Thanks, Taz. Generally not a good idea to tick off a Marine.
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cutecollege1
Rookie Officer
If you can't beat 'em, shoot 'em!!!
Posts: 311
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Post by cutecollege1 on Jan 4, 2009 21:07:14 GMT -5
Lol loved it!!!!!!!! CC
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Post by jaglady on Jan 6, 2009 13:15:58 GMT -5
That Time of the Month
Rick Stetler is always grouchy around the anniversary of Horatio's promotion to Lieutenant. Reminders are everywhere that his rival made Lieutenant and he didn't. But this year, even his own computer seems to be mocking him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miami-Dade Computer Tech Emmalyn Stockburne greeted Horatio as she stepped into the computer lab Monday morning. “Morning, Sir!”
“Miss Stockburne. Welcome back. How was the FBI Cyber Crimes Seminar?”
“Excellent. I just need to make sure all my monthly security updates went off without a hitch.” As Emmie waited for the main computer to come to life, she noticed a greeting card peeking out of Horatio’s belongings that read HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. She motioned to it. “Whose anniversary, Sir?”
“My anniversary since being promoted to Lieutenant. Signed by all the CSI’s and some of the techs.”
She smiled. “That was sweet of them. But I guess someone else upstairs isn’t gonna feel like celebrating.”
Horatio peered upward toward the management offices. “Exactly why I’m spending more time down in the lab today. This time every year, Rick is more of a pain than usual.”
Her phone chirped. The caller ID indicated that it was IAB Sergeant Rick Stetler. She groaned. “Thanks for the warning.”
Emmie carried her tool kit up to Rick’s office. “Hey, Sir. What exactly is the problem?”
The IAB agent stood in front of his desk, arms folded, staring daggers at a dusty desk and a spaghetti-like pile of wires. “Miss Stockburne. Take a look at this” he snarled, pointing to the mess. “Tell me what’s missing here!”
She smirked. “What do I win if I guess right, Sir?”
His eyes blazed at her. “You get one month where I don’t investigate your department!”
Emmie narrowed her eyes at him. “Your monitor’s missing. I noticed that right away!”
“I called Tyler last week because my computer kept insulting me, and I told him to fix the problem! That hasn’t been done yet. Now are you going to take care of it so I can get down to business?”
She raised her eyebrows. He'd finally managed to come up with a new one. “Insulting you?”
“Yeah! It kept telling me I was fat!”
Emmie shrugged and pointed to his middle. “Well, you are starting to get a little bit of a paunch there, Sir. And those paisley shirts aren’t helping—“
“The County doesn’t pay you to give fashion tips, Miss Stockburne! Bring me a monitor that works!” he nearly shouted, scowling at her and buttoning his jacket.
“Hold that thought. I’ve been gone all week.” She picked up Rick’s phone. “Hey, Tyler. It’s Emmie. Could you tell me what happened to Rick Stetler’s monitor while I was in DC?”
“After I changed it out three times, Horatio ordered me to just lock it away. We were short-handed, and Horatio was tired of listening to him cry all week” Tyler said matter-of-factly.
“Why am I not surprised? I’ll take care of it. Thanks, Tyler.” With that she hung up.
Rick stood from across the room, hands on hips, glaring expectantly. “Well?”
“Give me five minutes, Sir.” She returned carrying another monitor from the computer lab and dutifully hooked it up, turned it on, and watched as it came to life. “Let’s see what the problem is.”
A gray screen appeared with a message that read:
YOUR FILE TYPE IS FAT32.
Rick pointed at the screen. “You see that? I’m the head of Internal Affairs! I don’t have to put up with that! Bring me another one!”
Emmie looked at the ceiling. “Sir, F-A-T stands for File Allocation Table. That has to do with the size of your hard drive. I programmed the entire system to clean itself out and put in a new firewall once a month, and I wasn’t here to finish the process. It does this every month. You just don’t see it. Here. I’ll fix the problem right now. Watch.” She locked eyes with the steamed IAB agent and hit the Return key. The gray screen reverted to Rick’s blue screen and icons. “Fixed.”
Rick resumed his high-and-mightiness. “Fine. But next time you have to leave, maybe you should—“ He suddenly leaned over and groaned, grabbing his forehead.
“You okay, Sir?”
“I’m fine! Just a headache” he huffed at her from under his hand.
Emmie turned around to her tool case, pulled out a plastic bottle, and wheeled backward in the chair over to him. “Here. Hold out your hand.”
Still cradling his head, Rick held out his flattened palm to her. When he saw MIDOL PMS on the label, he immediately balled up his fist and yanked it back. “I’m not taking any of that stuff you women use!”
She looked at him dryly. “It has Ibuprofen in it. I take it when my leg’s acting up. I gave some to Lieutenant Caine last month for his back, and you didn’t hear him talk funny, did you?”
“Could we leave him out of this? Here. Let me have some.” Still nursing his throbbing forehead, he held his sweating palm out to her while she dispensed two brown pills.
Unable to resist the temptation, she sidled back up to the doubled-over IAB agent. “Oh, and Sir? Don’t worry; if you get a sudden craving for quiche and pastels, just run downstairs and have them do a tox panel on you.” With that she left.
Rick looked at the two pills in his hand and stared after her, not sure whether to believe her or not. The pain won out, and he downed them with his coffee.
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“So how did it go with Rick’s monitor, Miss Stockburne?” Horatio asked from the other side of the lab.
“Oh, I got it to stop insulting him. He had a headache, so I let him have some of that Midol PMS that I gave you for your back last month. Strange how you gentlemen always seem to get pain when I run the monthly security checks.” She leaned her head on her hand and sighed. “I finally got out of there before he could cry on my tool case any more. And they let this guy handle firearms?”
Horatio glanced up at the main monitor. “Emmie, can you get into Rick’s computer from here?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Let me step in there.”
Emmie clicked the keyboard to tap into Rick’s controls before standing up and letting Horatio have her chair. “All yours, Sir. Anything I should know?”
“Rick was whining all last week about his computer insulting him. You just gave me an idea. Why don’t you take a break for a few minutes?”
She smiled. “I trust you.”
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Emmie was scanning Calleigh’s latest collection of fingerprints into the database when her phone chirped. She picked it up without looking. “Computer lab, Emmie Stock—.” She held the receiver away from her ear so Rick could dispense his usual torrent of displeasure. “Be right up.”
Sounds like the Midol wore off.
She peered into Rick’s office. His breath was quickening. “I thought you fixed the problem!” he nearly shouted, pointing at his computer.
Facing him was a monitor with a bright red screen with a scrolling marquee that screamed:
WARNING: I HAVE PMS AND A GUN!
Emmie bit her lip and clenched her fists. She quaked and tears began to roll down her reddened face as she barely managed to stifle her laughter.
He narrowed his eyes at her. “Hey! What are YOU crying for? That thing keeps insulting ME!”
“Sorry, Sir. I’ll be back to fix that.” She crept around the corner, well out of his sight, and sunk to the floor with laughter. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose until the fits of laughter subsided.
“You okay, Miss Stockburne?”
Emmie looked up at Horatio, who just happened to be walking through the hallways. “Your, uh, idea?” she asked between fits of laughter, pointing back in the direction of Rick’s office.
“Well, one thing you can be sure of, Emmie, good or bad” her boss said as he stuck out a hand to help her up.
She took his arm and rose to her feet. “What’s that?”
Horatio stared in the direction of his nemesis’s office as he donned his sunglasses. “Rick will probably never go through the change.”
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ladytaz29
Rookie Officer
Caution..Must wear flame retardent materials..
Posts: 377
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Post by ladytaz29 on Jan 6, 2009 16:20:34 GMT -5
The thought of Rick Stetler (at least this version) with a gun really IS scary. You have him down to a Tee JL. Great chapter... ;D ;D
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Post by jaglady on Jan 6, 2009 18:26:07 GMT -5
Thanks, LadyTaz. Actually, when I wrote this, another author on another board had done some stories about Rickypoo having to buy er, uh, lady products. Combine that with being in a silly mood and, well, strange things start to happen.
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