ladytaz29
Rookie Officer
Caution..Must wear flame retardent materials..
Posts: 377
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Post by ladytaz29 on Jan 8, 2009 10:04:24 GMT -5
No matter how many times I read this, I laugh too hard.. ;D
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Post by jaglady on Jan 8, 2009 12:38:50 GMT -5
Thanks, LadyTaz. Way too much seriousness out there.
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Post by suzmicsoc on Jan 8, 2009 20:28:10 GMT -5
Way too much seriousness out there. You are right on that one JL...keep them coming
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Post by jaglady on Jan 10, 2009 17:20:32 GMT -5
Laptop Security, IAB Style
Some people just take the idea of security a little too far.
Emmie Stockburne, the Miami-Dade Crime Lab’s senior cybertechnician, stood in the front of the stark white conference room amid a pile of instruction booklets, cables, and extra docking stations. She had just finished one of the most intense projects the crime lab had seen in years. Management was on its way to going wireless.
Horatio, Calleigh, Eric Delko, Ryan Wolfe, Natalia Boa Vista, Detective Tripp, and Rick Stetler, as well as several other members of management watched her as she briefed them on the basics of the docking stations, plugging in the laptops, booting up, accessing the basic programs such as AFIS, CODIS, and any other information for which they might have clearances. She was finally glad to get to this point. Between running cables, waiting for parts, work orders, typing and printing instructions, making sure every laptop had the necessary hardware and software, all in addition to her job at the crime lab, Emmie had put in plenty of overtime. She was now winding up the briefing.
“I just have one last point to make. I know that most of us are law enforcement, and yes, most of us are honest. But that doesn’t mean these laptops can’t possibly grow legs. Ladies and gentlemen, each one of these laptops I’ve put together for you is worth about four thousand dollars apiece. That includes the hardware, software, docking station, cables, and all that lovely overtime I put in getting everything up to speed. Take every possible precaution to keep this laptop from being stolen. This was made possible by a state grant, and they are not replaceable. Before I wind this up, does anybody have any questions?”
IAB sergeant Rick Stetler put up one finger.
Emmie craned her neck. “Yes, Sir. Rick.”
“And if these laptops do disappear, whose investigation is it gonna be, Miss Stockburne?” he demanded to know.
“Sir, I haven’t been given that information yet, and I hope not to find out.” Emmie looked quickly around the briefing room. “Anybody else?”
Silence.
“Remember, the Commissioner is going to want to video conference in from Tallahassee tomorrow at nine. If anybody has any problems, you know where to reach me. Once you get the hang of having all this information right at your fingertips, you’ll wonder how you ever did without it. Trust me. And if nobody has any other questions, thanks for being here!”
As her co-workers filed out with their new gear in hand, Emmie breathed a sigh of relief and began to gather up materials from the briefing room.
The next morning Emmie came into the computer lab an hour early, as she knew there would inevitably be some bugs to be ironed out. Shouldn’t be a big deal, she thought. Someone might have a problem with their password, or they might not be able to access the sound control. Over the years she learned to just be patient and walk her co-workers through any problems they might have. After all, these are CSI’s, not fellow computer techs.
The phone chirped, indicating an incoming call. Tyler picked it up.
Emmie’s heart sank when she heard the words….
“You’re kidding me! Somebody did WHAT?”
She looked at him suspiciously. “I don’t like that look, Tyler.”
He handed her the phone, shaking his head. “You might want to take this one, Emmie.”
“This is Emmie.” She listened to Eric Delko for a second. Her eyes and mouth widened. “WHAT?”
“You don’t believe me? Come see for yourself!” Delko said adamantly.
She groaned. “Not sure I want to.” She hung up.
Emmie crept into the lab. It was obvious that Calleigh and Eric didn’t believe what they were seeing.
Delko pointed to the closed laptop on his desk in the lab. “See for yourself, Emmie.”
Emmie peered at the laptop. She tried to open it. The top wouldn’t budge. She tried to move it. Nothing. It was stuck to the desk and unable to open as though….
She looked under the desk.
This didn't just happen!
There were four screw heads sticking out of the bottom of the table.
Her cell phone rang. She quickly popped it open. “Emmie Stockburne.” It was Horatio. She just shook her head. “Well, Sir, looks like you’re not the only one. I’ll be up in a minute to take a look.” She snapped her cell phone shut and just stared in disbelief.
“What’s going on, Emmie?” Calleigh wanted to know.
“Looks like somebody decided to heed my warning about stolen laptops, and we have a bunch of them bolted to their desks. Either that or a really sick prank.”
Emmie trudged up to Horatio’s office and examined the damage. Just like the laptops in the lab, Horatio’s was bolted to the desk by four screws and bolted shut.
As she looked underneath Horatio’s desk, both of them were startled by a stern knock on the door.
It was Rick. “Miss Stockburne, how are we supposed to get these things to work when they won’t even open?” he demanded to know.
Then it occurred to her. “Rick, did you…?”
Rick shrugged. “Yeah. I had them all bolted to the desks. You don’t know how much sucking up I did for that grant. Now you’re saying they could be stolen, and how much money is that?”
“Okay Rick. Now with these laptops bolted shut, HOW IN GOD’S NAME ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE THEM? THAT’S THE PURPOSE OF A LAPTOP! THEY’RE PORTABLE!”
The IAB sergeant shrugged again. “Take a screwdriver and unbolt them. That’s what I did in my office.”
Horatio just bowed his head.
Emmie folded her arms and looked skyward. “And did you happen to notice FOUR HOLES IN YOUR LAPTOP? MEANING IT DOESN’T WORK?”
The cockiness ran away from Rick’s face. “Oh. Well, how soon can you have those fixed?”
Emmie put her finger up. “Excuse me, gentlemen.” She headed downstairs and quickly opened up her email program, sending a priority message to the Commissioner’s Office in Tallahassee.
Dear Sir: I would like to thank you very much for the state grant. I have assembled, run, loaded, and set up the laptops in anticipation of your video meeting. Unfortunately, the Miami-Dade Crime Lab will be unable to participate due to an unforeseen circumstance. Our Internal Affairs Sergeant decided to enact some security measures without my knowledge, rendering all 22 laptops useless. I deeply regret this oversight. Sincerely,
Emmalyn P Stockburne Senior Cybertechnician, Miami-Dade Crime Lab
“What did you just tell the Commissioner, Emmie?” Tyler wanted to know.
“Let’s put it this way, Tyler. Thanks to a certain IAB sergeant, if you thought LAST YEAR’S state audit hurt, Alexx better stock up on some KY Jelly. It’s gonna get ugly.”
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Post by suzmicsoc on Jan 11, 2009 1:31:22 GMT -5
I love that one...that was one of the first ones I read on the other board...too funny...
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Post by jaglady on Jan 11, 2009 14:15:35 GMT -5
Thanks, Suzy. More on the way. ;D
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Post by jaglady on Jan 13, 2009 20:17:58 GMT -5
Adventures in Babysitting
Rick Stetler left a trail of death and destruction behind him. All because little Madison wanted to share her new toys.
As Senior Cybertechnician Emmie Stockburne stepped back into the Miami-Dade Crime Lab, she couldn’t help but notice that Tyler was smiling expectantly from his work station. She leered at him suspiciously. “Okay, Tyler. What’s going on?”
He quickly buried his head behind his monitor.
Emmie stopped and stiffened up when she saw five spiders on her work station. Someone had left brown and black rubber spiders on her keyboard. A fake tarantula stuck to her monitor screen. But the one that really got her attention was the shiny red spider that looked like it was moving. She smirked and picked it up, watching it wave its furry legs in the air.
“Okay, Tyler. Who left their pets in here?” she wanted to know, leveling her eyes at him.
He smiled. “That new guy in DNA. Think he likes you. He did that to all the female CSI’s and techs. I think Valera’s still hiding in the ladies’ room. He even put some of those in Ballistics. I don’t think he’s ever gonna do that to Calleigh again!”
Unimpressed, she then studied the little hatch on its underbelly. “Batteries, huh? Cute.”
“Spiders don’t bother you?” Tyler asked, sounding a little disappointed.
Emmie laughed. “You kidding? After scorpions? Camel spiders? Pine roaches?” She stuffed them into the pocket of her blue lab coat as she settled into her work station. “I’m sure I could have fun with these, though. Guess I’ll have to thank that new guy.”
At that moment a very tired Horatio walked into the computer lab holding his niece, Madison. The little redhead clung to her uncle and craned her neck at all the new, colorful toys.
“Miss Stockburne” he sighed. “I need to ask you a favor, and I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t need your help.”
“Hey, Sir. What can I do for you?”
He nodded his head at the squirming little girl. “You know my niece, Madison.”
Emmie smiled. “Hi, Sweetie!”
“Would it be too much trouble for you to watch her for about fifteen minutes while I go interrogate a suspect? Madison’s mother had to step out for a while, and I’ve been keeping an eye on her.”
“Oh, sure, Sir. No problem at all. Here.” Emmie held out her arms and took the eager little redhead. “I think she can help me do some searches.”
Horatio stepped back and sighed. “Thanks, Emmie. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
“You don’t owe me a thing, Sir. Stuff happens.”
The computer tech now perched Madison in her lap as she reached into her lab coat pocket. “Here, Sweetie Pie. Want to play with some toy spiders?” She produced the brown rubber spider and waved it so its legs flailed.
Little Madison’s eyes lit up as she reached out to grab the new toy. “Buggie!” Emmie let her fondle and wave the rubber spider while she reached around her to do Jake Berkeley’s bank search.
Setting Madison down, she picked up a new black ergonomic keyboard and stuck her hand out to Madison. “Come on, Sweetheart. Sergeant Stetler’s getting a brand new keyboard. Want to come and help me?”
Madison smiled and nodded. She then pointed to Emmie’s lab coat. “Buggies.”
“You want the buggies? Here.” She scooped out the rubber spiders and handed them to Madison before peeling off her lab coat.
Emmie smiled to herself while Madison giggled and made the spiders dance and play on the floor of the IAB office. Rick wasn’t in the office, so that made her job easier.
After plugging, adjusting, and clicking, she finally stood back and brushed the dust off her hands. “Okay, Sweetheart. Looks like we’re done. Now we can leave Sergeant Stetler alone.”
As she walked down the hall, she noticed that Madison wasn’t behind her. She began to backtrack warily in time to see the little redhead run eagerly out of the IAB office. “There you are. Come on, Sweetheart.”
As she donned her lab coat and settled back into her chair, Horatio stepped into the lab. Madison eagerly ran to her uncle as he scooped her up. “Thanks for watching her, Emmie.”
Emmie smiled. “Oh, hey Sir. No problem.” She looked down at the little girl now. “In fact she even helped me fix Sergeant Stetler’s keyboard, didn’t you?” She then stuck her hand into her lab coat pocket. “In fact, I let her play with those rubber spiders the new DNA tech left on my keyboard. Uh, wait.” She glanced urgently now. “Uh, Sweetheart? What did you do with the buggies?”
Madison proudly pointed up at the ceiling. “Sarden Stetter got buggies!” she said with a proud little smile.
Horatio raised his eyebrows cautiously. “Well, thanks for your help, Emmie. Hopefully you’ll find those spiders before Rick does. See you later.” With that he carried his niece out.
At that precise moment the phone chirped. Without looking she hit the ANSWER button. “Computer lab, Emmie Stock—“ As Rick unleashed his torrent of displeasure she just stared at the receiver. “That was a brand new keyboard, Sir. I believe you. No Sir, I didn’t put any—Oh, God. I’ll be right up, Sir.” She clicked off the ANSWER button.
Tyler could barely contain his laughter. “Let me guess. Sounds like Stetler found the buggies.”
“Want my job for a day, Tyler?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The computer tech stood at the door of the IAB office and stared.
“Well, come in, Miss Stockburne. I need you to fix my keyboard” he snarled, out of breath.
IAB agent Rick Stetler stood by his desk, panting as though he had just finished a marathon. His eyes blazed, and he held in one hand what was left of that new ergonomic keyboard. Keys and parts she couldn’t identify now littered his desk like confetti and even stuck to the wall. The office itself looked like an explosion in a paper factory.
“Not sure I want to know what happened, Sir.”
“Miss Stockburne, this keyboard doesn’t work” he snarled. “I need a new one.”
Gathering herself, she shook her head. “I just took that thing out of the box this morning!”
He stepped forward and thrust the black mess at her. “Well, the one they sent you was defective!”
“Keeping the city safe from bugs again, Rick?” a voice said from the doorway.
Both Emmie and Rick whipped their heads around in surprise.
Horatio held his niece and stood in the doorway. She craned her neck and then pointed to the floor. “Buggies!” she shouted excitedly.
Horatio let his niece down. Carefully she scooped up the brown rubber spider and ran back to her uncle. Horatio stepped in the doorway and surveyed the damage. “I just brought Madison back to get those toy spiders she left in here. Maybe it’s a good thing you weren’t armed, Rick.”
The tired, disheveled IAB agent smirked at him. “I guess you thought that was funny!”
The Lieutenant glanced down at Madison’s little trophy. “Madison, why don’t you give that to Sergeant Stetler? Maybe he’ll feel better after he trashed his office and his computer. Again.”
With sincere little eyes, Madison walked over to the steamed IAB agent and handed him the brown rubber spider. “Buggie?”
Rick rolled his eyes as he gently took her gift. “Yeah, all right. Thank you, Madison” he said deliberately, knowing full well Horatio wouldn’t tolerate any less from him.
Emmie glanced at the carnage in her hand. “I’ll be back with a new, less defective keyboard, Sir.”
Horatio picked up his niece as he and Emmie stepped out of the IAB paper explosion.
“Sorry about all this, Miss Stockburne” Horatio said tiredly.
She chuckled. “Oh, hey, no problem. Didn’t know Madison would leave spiders on Rick’s computer.”
They stood at the elevator now. “She just wanted to leave him a present” Horatio said as he donned his sunglasses. “But I guess we'll never work the bugs out of Rick Stetler.”
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Post by suzmicsoc on Jan 15, 2009 19:12:30 GMT -5
I love it...Madison even got Rick..priceless
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Post by jaglady on Jan 15, 2009 19:39:44 GMT -5
Thanks, Suzi. I figure after "Innocent", it was the least I could do. ;D
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